Horoscopes
By The Great Mentok
Aries – An interesting financial transaction is on the way. Words associated with it are “bamuhenze!,” “muzungu sha!,” and “EH eh eh eh eh eh” accompanied by a sharp intake of breath through closed teeth.
Taurus – Remember that awful, embarrassing thing that happened? Well, something similar to that is going to happen soon. Fear not, experiences like this build character! Gemini – Mars descends upon your sign, so expect many people to behave rudely in your presence. If you handle it with grace and forgive easily, you’ll be happy in spite of their bad behavior. Cancer – You will walk into a room, but will have forgotten what you went in there to get. Walk back to the room you were in before and go back to doing what you were doing. Do this, and you will soon remember what it was you wanted. |
Leo – Congratulations, you have cultivated a level of patience that borders on senility. Yes, you were waiting for something. No, I don’t know what it was. Yes, I’ll have a hard candy.
Virgo –All your dreams are about to be realized! Too bad you switched to Doxy last week. No pterodactyl rides for you, my friend.
Libra – An unexpected visitor will enter your life and make things interesting! Except by your life, I mean your gut, and by unexpected visitor, I mean giardia, and by… well, you get the idea.
Scorpio – Your surroundings are affecting your state of mind. Unclutter your home, especially your work space. It will save you time in the long run.
Sagittarius – When life hands you a lemon, take a big bite out of it. Don’t even flinch or pucker. Just look life menacingly in the eye and chew the lemon. That should show stupid life who’s boss.
Capricorn – Bad bus luck will befall you! Reserve seat #17 in advance and wear your bus pants, though, and you should be fine.
Aquarius –I see you in the future, the dinner guest of an older couple. A host family perhaps? Now you are saying goodnight and walking down a flight of stairs to… a basement! I’m not exactly sure what this means, but start thinking about your future career options now, just in case.
Pisces – Remember: the longer you hold on to a volunteer’s package for them, the more of their food you’re allowed to eat. No, I can’t bring it to you this weekend. Next weekend doesn’t look good either.
Virgo –All your dreams are about to be realized! Too bad you switched to Doxy last week. No pterodactyl rides for you, my friend.
Libra – An unexpected visitor will enter your life and make things interesting! Except by your life, I mean your gut, and by unexpected visitor, I mean giardia, and by… well, you get the idea.
Scorpio – Your surroundings are affecting your state of mind. Unclutter your home, especially your work space. It will save you time in the long run.
Sagittarius – When life hands you a lemon, take a big bite out of it. Don’t even flinch or pucker. Just look life menacingly in the eye and chew the lemon. That should show stupid life who’s boss.
Capricorn – Bad bus luck will befall you! Reserve seat #17 in advance and wear your bus pants, though, and you should be fine.
Aquarius –I see you in the future, the dinner guest of an older couple. A host family perhaps? Now you are saying goodnight and walking down a flight of stairs to… a basement! I’m not exactly sure what this means, but start thinking about your future career options now, just in case.
Pisces – Remember: the longer you hold on to a volunteer’s package for them, the more of their food you’re allowed to eat. No, I can’t bring it to you this weekend. Next weekend doesn’t look good either.