Horoscopes
By The Great Mentok
Aries - March 21 - April 20: It is Giardia for you, my friend. You really need to treat your water better.
Taurus - April 21 - May 21 : I see you in a familiar place surrounded by people. They are all staring and pointing at you. I can't make out what they are laughing at, but I'm sure it is at your expense. Remember that you can go up as many times as you like at a buffet in America.
Gemini - May 22 - June 21: You will lose a thick role of twenty-dollar bills in the near future. You'll find the cool rubber band you used to keep them rolled together, though. So...um...that's something, right?
Cancer - June 22 - July 22: Don't concern yourself with fool's errands. Analyze your activities to see what their true natures are, then prioritize them. Doing so will give you a stronger sense of purpose in your work.
Leo - July 23 -August 21: The monkey butlers you have trained are planning to unionize and challenge the current employment package you offer. You may feel a bit taken advantages of, but their demands will be rea-sonable. If you refuse, they will strike with the crows and the noise on your roof will be unbearable!
Virgo - August 22 - September 23: Your sign shines bright! This is because two of your stars have become Supernovas. As a result, many worlds have been de-stroyed and their inhabitants wiped out. These two suns will collapse in on themselves and become black holes, creating a force that not even light can escape. These black holes will be so close to each other that one black hole will suck in the other black hole. When this happens, it will rip the fabric of time and space as we know it. Also, I see you will be receiving a package soon; it will have a Snickers bar in it.
Libra - September 24 - October 23: You will find a thick role of twenty-dollar bills in the near future. Leave the stupid rubber band. Remember the deal; we split it right down the middle. Man, I can't wait to go to Zanzibar next month!
Scorpio - October 24 - November 22: I see you in a colorful place. I hear the ex-change of money for a delicious
smelling product. You are wearing a paper hat. You are smiling...falsely. Your name is pinned to your chest and your supervisor is a pimply faced boy of 19 years. Fear not, there is only the fate that we make. Start looking for work
after Peace Corps now!
Sagittarius - November 23-December 22: You are too concerned with what was and what will be. The past is history and the future is a mystery, but today is a gift; that is why it is called the present. 'Kung Fu Panda.' Awesome movie.
Capricorn - December 23 - January 20: You're stressed. Talking about it is difficult because you are not used to expressing yourself so openly to people you don't know very well. Take a day to clean house, not figuratively but literally - spend the entire day scrubbing and polishing. Turn on some music, turn off your phone, and get lost in the repetitive action of cleansing your surroundings.
Aquarius - January 21 - February 19: You are jealous of Mentok and you have been for some time now. "Why can't I read the stars? Why can't I see the future? Why can't I get a whole page on every issue of SOMA?" To acquire these powers and privileges, you must defeat me in battle. I'll bring the graph paper, if you bring the dice. Get ready for the most epic battle of D & D you have ever played, my friend.
Pisces - February 20- March 20: Plan your vacation accordingly. Make sure you familiarize yourself with all local
customs, taboos, norms, and laws. Why? I have two words for you: Turkish Prison.
Taurus - April 21 - May 21 : I see you in a familiar place surrounded by people. They are all staring and pointing at you. I can't make out what they are laughing at, but I'm sure it is at your expense. Remember that you can go up as many times as you like at a buffet in America.
Gemini - May 22 - June 21: You will lose a thick role of twenty-dollar bills in the near future. You'll find the cool rubber band you used to keep them rolled together, though. So...um...that's something, right?
Cancer - June 22 - July 22: Don't concern yourself with fool's errands. Analyze your activities to see what their true natures are, then prioritize them. Doing so will give you a stronger sense of purpose in your work.
Leo - July 23 -August 21: The monkey butlers you have trained are planning to unionize and challenge the current employment package you offer. You may feel a bit taken advantages of, but their demands will be rea-sonable. If you refuse, they will strike with the crows and the noise on your roof will be unbearable!
Virgo - August 22 - September 23: Your sign shines bright! This is because two of your stars have become Supernovas. As a result, many worlds have been de-stroyed and their inhabitants wiped out. These two suns will collapse in on themselves and become black holes, creating a force that not even light can escape. These black holes will be so close to each other that one black hole will suck in the other black hole. When this happens, it will rip the fabric of time and space as we know it. Also, I see you will be receiving a package soon; it will have a Snickers bar in it.
Libra - September 24 - October 23: You will find a thick role of twenty-dollar bills in the near future. Leave the stupid rubber band. Remember the deal; we split it right down the middle. Man, I can't wait to go to Zanzibar next month!
Scorpio - October 24 - November 22: I see you in a colorful place. I hear the ex-change of money for a delicious
smelling product. You are wearing a paper hat. You are smiling...falsely. Your name is pinned to your chest and your supervisor is a pimply faced boy of 19 years. Fear not, there is only the fate that we make. Start looking for work
after Peace Corps now!
Sagittarius - November 23-December 22: You are too concerned with what was and what will be. The past is history and the future is a mystery, but today is a gift; that is why it is called the present. 'Kung Fu Panda.' Awesome movie.
Capricorn - December 23 - January 20: You're stressed. Talking about it is difficult because you are not used to expressing yourself so openly to people you don't know very well. Take a day to clean house, not figuratively but literally - spend the entire day scrubbing and polishing. Turn on some music, turn off your phone, and get lost in the repetitive action of cleansing your surroundings.
Aquarius - January 21 - February 19: You are jealous of Mentok and you have been for some time now. "Why can't I read the stars? Why can't I see the future? Why can't I get a whole page on every issue of SOMA?" To acquire these powers and privileges, you must defeat me in battle. I'll bring the graph paper, if you bring the dice. Get ready for the most epic battle of D & D you have ever played, my friend.
Pisces - February 20- March 20: Plan your vacation accordingly. Make sure you familiarize yourself with all local
customs, taboos, norms, and laws. Why? I have two words for you: Turkish Prison.