UBUKWE BWIZA: Your Guide to a Rwandan Wedding
By Alma Aldrich, H(T)-Niger
Rwandan weddings are beautiful, magical, cultural marathon events. They are a must on the checklist of things to do, right after seeing the gorillas and getting a banana split at Nzozi Nziza. If you really want to get the most out of your experience, there are a couple things you should know beforehand.
The Invitation: Receiving a wedding invitation is an honor. Don’t miss out on the beauty of the manila cards with gold embroidered lettering, the Kinyarwanda and English text with potentially serious typos and translation errors. My favorite so far: “I know, LORD, that you are all powerful, that you can do everyone you want” (Job 42:2).
The Invitation: Receiving a wedding invitation is an honor. Don’t miss out on the beauty of the manila cards with gold embroidered lettering, the Kinyarwanda and English text with potentially serious typos and translation errors. My favorite so far: “I know, LORD, that you are all powerful, that you can do everyone you want” (Job 42:2).
The Meeting: Before the wedding, you might be invited to attend a “meeting” about the “wedding program.” I recommend respectfully declining due to a prior engagement. If you do attend, you will sit in a room and listen to the price of everything, and then asked to publically announce your contribution.
I don’t know about you, but shelling out fifty thousand plus francs (~80USD) is not exactly within my Peace Corps living allowance budget. Weddings are expensive ventures, and you will be expected to contribute. However, I recommend making your own decision about what’s appropriate and handing it over to the bride or groom before the wedding, with a nice card if you’re so inclined. |
The Big Day: Morning Activities-- As I said, Rwandan weddings are like marathons. You should prepare for one as such. Load up on carbs the night before, stay hydrated, and make sure you’re well rested. Often, wedding ceremonies are broken up into two different weekends, but if you are attending the triathlon (the dowry ceremony, the religious ceremony, and the reception all in one day) you really need to gear up.
First, find a friend to be your coach. For best results, this should be a well-respected (read: old) person who is close to either the bride or groom. Agree on a time to meet and show up an hour later with a full stomach, your best outfit, shined shoes, camera, and I’d strongly recommend a water bottle, plus a snack or two in pocket.
When the time is right, you will be escorted to the dowry ceremony at the bride’s family’s house mu charo, in a rural area. A bus has probably been hired to take a large number of guests, another reason you want to have a good coach: she will make sure you’re on the good bus and sit front row at the ceremony.
Dowry: The dowry ceremony is by far my favorite part of the Rwandan wedding. In my experience, this is the most traditional and typically “Rwandan”. Families and friends are most involved and most proud during the dowry ceremony.
You’re in luck if your coach is part of the groom’s family-- you get to show up late. If you happen to be with the bride’s family, no problem, just try to get to the kitchen while everyone else waits.
Arriving at the dowry, notice the wedding decorations set up outside the house in an open area. Expect to see colorful fabrics, lots of agaseke baskets, traditional chairs, and very bright streamers. A DJ booth is probably nearby, and while he blasts Celine Dion, guests arrive and sit in plastic chairs under white tarps facing the extra fancy, decorated, wedding throne area.
Meanwhile, the bride is getting ready in the house. Make it in and prepare to be shuffled around by family members, handed a plate of food, and perhaps a drink. Make it to the back of the house and you might even find a big tub of ikigage, traditional sorghum beer.
When the time is right, you will be escorted to the dowry ceremony at the bride’s family’s house mu charo, in a rural area. A bus has probably been hired to take a large number of guests, another reason you want to have a good coach: she will make sure you’re on the good bus and sit front row at the ceremony.
Dowry: The dowry ceremony is by far my favorite part of the Rwandan wedding. In my experience, this is the most traditional and typically “Rwandan”. Families and friends are most involved and most proud during the dowry ceremony.
You’re in luck if your coach is part of the groom’s family-- you get to show up late. If you happen to be with the bride’s family, no problem, just try to get to the kitchen while everyone else waits.
Arriving at the dowry, notice the wedding decorations set up outside the house in an open area. Expect to see colorful fabrics, lots of agaseke baskets, traditional chairs, and very bright streamers. A DJ booth is probably nearby, and while he blasts Celine Dion, guests arrive and sit in plastic chairs under white tarps facing the extra fancy, decorated, wedding throne area.
Meanwhile, the bride is getting ready in the house. Make it in and prepare to be shuffled around by family members, handed a plate of food, and perhaps a drink. Make it to the back of the house and you might even find a big tub of ikigage, traditional sorghum beer.
The ceremony begins when the groom’s family arrives, parading in to loud music. Young women from the bride’s family dressed in matching imishananas, traditional Rwandan dresses, escort the groom’s family to their seats and serve drinks (whiskey for the heads of the family if they’re Catholic, Fanta if not). Now the fun begins.
Two families begin negotiations. A skillful negotiator has been preselected by the groom’s family to shower the bride’s family with compliments and agree on an appropriate number of cows to be handed over. A tough guy from the bride’s family has been preselected to graciously accept compliments, while constantly demanding more. Jokes and compliments in the form of bovine metaphors might go on for two or three hours. Careful, as the most likely only foreigner present, someone might offer you up as dowry.
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When a ‘price’ has been agreed on, the cow callers, abashumba, come out. These two men sing to the cows, which respond with loud moos (played by the DJ). They will go on until beer has been offered to them and bride is ready to come out. Next, my favorite part:
Young men from the bride’s family, dressed in more matching imishananas, come out holding wooden canes and spears. They are followed by more young women, and finally, the bride. Once within vision of most guests, the groom’s family approaches. Young men from the groom’s family try to snatch the bride for themselves, approaching the bride’s entourage one by one. The bride’s protectors ask questions about the fake grooms’ intentions and always say no when these suitors answer incorrectly. (Call me a hopeless romantic eight year old, but I always get nervous here: what if they let the wrong guy through?! What if the groom doesn’t know the answer?! The lovers will be done for!) Rest assured, the bride’s guards are so smart. When the groom is finally up, he always answers the questions correctly, and is provided passage. He reaches his beloved and at this point you might see something otherwise never seen in Rwanda: public displays of affection!
Religious and Civil Ceremonies: After the dowry ceremony is finished, the wedding party and guests move on to the next one. Generally, the second ceremony is religious. I have seen many friends and family members skip out on parts of a wedding, and if you need a break now is probably the best time. Religious ceremonies can be interesting (I saw a Catholic priest marry four different couples at once; a priest refuse to marry a couple and yell at the entire wedding ceremony for not respecting time; and I saw an amazing Episcopalian female pastor give the most impassioned speech about how happy she was that the bride could now eat the amandazi she loved so much), but they can also be long and uneventful. If you do attend the religious ceremony, know that at the end, the newlyweds stand at the front of the church with a basket for guests to contribute money.
Young men from the bride’s family, dressed in more matching imishananas, come out holding wooden canes and spears. They are followed by more young women, and finally, the bride. Once within vision of most guests, the groom’s family approaches. Young men from the groom’s family try to snatch the bride for themselves, approaching the bride’s entourage one by one. The bride’s protectors ask questions about the fake grooms’ intentions and always say no when these suitors answer incorrectly. (Call me a hopeless romantic eight year old, but I always get nervous here: what if they let the wrong guy through?! What if the groom doesn’t know the answer?! The lovers will be done for!) Rest assured, the bride’s guards are so smart. When the groom is finally up, he always answers the questions correctly, and is provided passage. He reaches his beloved and at this point you might see something otherwise never seen in Rwanda: public displays of affection!
Religious and Civil Ceremonies: After the dowry ceremony is finished, the wedding party and guests move on to the next one. Generally, the second ceremony is religious. I have seen many friends and family members skip out on parts of a wedding, and if you need a break now is probably the best time. Religious ceremonies can be interesting (I saw a Catholic priest marry four different couples at once; a priest refuse to marry a couple and yell at the entire wedding ceremony for not respecting time; and I saw an amazing Episcopalian female pastor give the most impassioned speech about how happy she was that the bride could now eat the amandazi she loved so much), but they can also be long and uneventful. If you do attend the religious ceremony, know that at the end, the newlyweds stand at the front of the church with a basket for guests to contribute money.
Pictures: At some point during the day, the wedding party takes pictures. These might occur in a public space with pretty landscapes and involve the bride, groom, and both families. If you have brought a camera, come along and take pictures. Don’t worry about personal space here; professional photographers stand no less than two feet in front of the newlyweds to capture them on the happiest day of their lives. Of course, this being Rwanda, chances your friends actually show their joy on camera are slim to none. It is very serious.
Reception: The final ceremony is the reception. It is similar to the dowry ceremony in that the heads of both households sit in the front, facing one another and give long speeches about the beautiful day and beautiful families that have united. If you’ve been a loyal guest up until now and not taken a break, I strongly urge you to pick up a few sambusas before sitting down at the reception. There will probably be Fantas for all, but your chances of getting some food (other than perhaps an ijana coin-sized piece of cake) are slim.
Reception: The final ceremony is the reception. It is similar to the dowry ceremony in that the heads of both households sit in the front, facing one another and give long speeches about the beautiful day and beautiful families that have united. If you’ve been a loyal guest up until now and not taken a break, I strongly urge you to pick up a few sambusas before sitting down at the reception. There will probably be Fantas for all, but your chances of getting some food (other than perhaps an ijana coin-sized piece of cake) are slim.
At this ceremony, there will most likely be dancing and singing. Now, pause-- don’t get excited about showing off your chicken dances moves here. The only dancing I’ve seen at Rwandan wedding receptions has been done by hired professionals (ie. school children). These dancers wear coordinated traditional outfits, and sometimes sing and play instruments as well. It certainly saves wedding guests from some of the embarrassing dance moves you see on America’s Funniest Home Videos, but it might leave your dancing feet itching.
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Wedding receptions in Rwanda, like the U.S., can go well into the night, and, like in the U.S., guests often leave with a couple drinks under their belt. Try to arrange for sleeping accommodations near the location of the reception to avoid awkward situations. If this is not possible, I might recommend leaving a bit early (particularly if you are female) because scrambling for buses and bus-seat-mates is likely.
As I look back on two years of service in Rwanda, several of my favorite memories come from the weddings I’ve attended, and most of my closest relationships have been formed or strengthened during these ceremonies. A few weeks ago, when asked what part of Rwanda I’d like to take home with me, the answer came quickly – a wedding!
As I look back on two years of service in Rwanda, several of my favorite memories come from the weddings I’ve attended, and most of my closest relationships have been formed or strengthened during these ceremonies. A few weeks ago, when asked what part of Rwanda I’d like to take home with me, the answer came quickly – a wedding!