Advice Column
By Liz Stuhr
We dole out a lot of advice as PCVs: Wash your hands, study your English, use condoms. But there are questions that come up for ourselves, and we don’t always know where to turn. It may be too sensitive to discuss with friends at site and the rumor mill of the PCV community makes us all apprehensive before divulging touchy information. To this end, I offer up my services. By no means an expert – I am known for my great advice and ability to talk about sex without weirdness. Any questions about love, sex, relationships, cultural differences, or anything else that’s been bothering you lately, send them to [email protected] or leave them anonymously in the IRC under S for “Soma.”
Dear Liz,
I want my boyfriend to get tested for HIV, but he can’t do it in the village due to stigma – where should he go?
Sincerely,
Seriously Stayin’ Safe
Dear Seriously Stayin’ Safe
Whether you’re dating a man or a woman – Rwandan or not – it’s important to get tested for a variety of STIs before engaging in a new sexual relationship. It can be difficult for Rwandans to feel comfortable going to their local health center to get tested for fear of the stigma and possible social repercussions. This is perfectly understandable, and I wouldn’t push him to do the test in the village if he’s not comfortable. This absolutely doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get tested. If the relationship is important enough to you, invest in helping your boyfriend get tested. Every health center in Rwanda provides HIV testing, but other tests will need to happen at a bigger hospital. Offer to pay for transportation and lodging to be tested in another area or in Kigali. You can even plan a weekend to be tested together! (Remember, the PCMOs can do HIV testing for PCVs at any time – just call to make an appointment!)
~Liz
I want my boyfriend to get tested for HIV, but he can’t do it in the village due to stigma – where should he go?
Sincerely,
Seriously Stayin’ Safe
Dear Seriously Stayin’ Safe
Whether you’re dating a man or a woman – Rwandan or not – it’s important to get tested for a variety of STIs before engaging in a new sexual relationship. It can be difficult for Rwandans to feel comfortable going to their local health center to get tested for fear of the stigma and possible social repercussions. This is perfectly understandable, and I wouldn’t push him to do the test in the village if he’s not comfortable. This absolutely doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get tested. If the relationship is important enough to you, invest in helping your boyfriend get tested. Every health center in Rwanda provides HIV testing, but other tests will need to happen at a bigger hospital. Offer to pay for transportation and lodging to be tested in another area or in Kigali. You can even plan a weekend to be tested together! (Remember, the PCMOs can do HIV testing for PCVs at any time – just call to make an appointment!)
~Liz
Dear Liz,
I’m currently in a relationship with a Peace Corps Volunteer. It is so difficult getting alone time. It’s hard meeting up in Kigali. Everywhere I go there are other volunteers getting in my business. What can I do?
-Horny in Huye
Dear HH,
I know it can be very difficult dating another PCV. With the rumor mill the way it is, it's hard to find space to figure out your relationship on your own. Other PCVs want to know what's going on in your relationship before you've even found the time or space to discuss it with your partner. This can put a big strain on a new or developing relationship. It sounds like PCVs are already aware of your relationship. In this case, have the confidence to stand up for yourself and say no when other volunteers want to pry into your business. Be firm. Most of us PCVs have short attention spans and will eventually move on to other subjects.
If you're just getting to know someone, I would counsel you to go Rwandan. Allow yourself the time and space to figure things out by keeping your new relationship a secret. This can be very challenging, but it's possible. We all sometimes need advice or to talk through things that come up in a new relationship, but reserve this for one or two trusted friends with a strong understanding of confidentiality. When you're in Kigali for meetings, do research and find new places to meet up that aren't the normal PC hangouts. There are a lot of interesting neighborhoods and hole-in-the-wall places to stay around Kigali. Check out new places in Nyamirambo, Remera, Kimironko, Kiyovu, etc. Plan weekends together when you don't have other meetings going on or go to a regional town when you know many others are going to be in Kigali.
A healthy relationship cannot be kept secret forever, though. There is a fine line between keeping it a secret and denying it. Avoiding gossip should not be an excuse to push aside a new partner or deny what's really going on. Enjoy secret time together for a few months and once you both feel comfortable with where you are in the relationship and are willing to be put through the PC 3rd degree, then come public.
Warmly,
Liz
I’m currently in a relationship with a Peace Corps Volunteer. It is so difficult getting alone time. It’s hard meeting up in Kigali. Everywhere I go there are other volunteers getting in my business. What can I do?
-Horny in Huye
Dear HH,
I know it can be very difficult dating another PCV. With the rumor mill the way it is, it's hard to find space to figure out your relationship on your own. Other PCVs want to know what's going on in your relationship before you've even found the time or space to discuss it with your partner. This can put a big strain on a new or developing relationship. It sounds like PCVs are already aware of your relationship. In this case, have the confidence to stand up for yourself and say no when other volunteers want to pry into your business. Be firm. Most of us PCVs have short attention spans and will eventually move on to other subjects.
If you're just getting to know someone, I would counsel you to go Rwandan. Allow yourself the time and space to figure things out by keeping your new relationship a secret. This can be very challenging, but it's possible. We all sometimes need advice or to talk through things that come up in a new relationship, but reserve this for one or two trusted friends with a strong understanding of confidentiality. When you're in Kigali for meetings, do research and find new places to meet up that aren't the normal PC hangouts. There are a lot of interesting neighborhoods and hole-in-the-wall places to stay around Kigali. Check out new places in Nyamirambo, Remera, Kimironko, Kiyovu, etc. Plan weekends together when you don't have other meetings going on or go to a regional town when you know many others are going to be in Kigali.
A healthy relationship cannot be kept secret forever, though. There is a fine line between keeping it a secret and denying it. Avoiding gossip should not be an excuse to push aside a new partner or deny what's really going on. Enjoy secret time together for a few months and once you both feel comfortable with where you are in the relationship and are willing to be put through the PC 3rd degree, then come public.
Warmly,
Liz